


I need some holy water to wash my dirty mind.

by Ourbooksuniverse



Category: A Court of Thorns and Roses Series - Sarah J. Maas, MAAS Sarah J. - Works
Genre: ACOTAR - Freeform, ACOWAR, Blow Jobs, Cat's, Couches, Dick Jokes, Elriel, Elucien - Freeform, F/F, F/M, Feylin, Fluff, Gen, It's all up to you, It's not what you think, M/M, Multi, Or Is It?, Other, PRINTERS, Smut, Throne of Glass, acofas - Freeform, acomaf, dick - Freeform, feysand, innuendos, it's not smut, papa bird, smut away, wet, you dirty minded people
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-05-10
Updated: 2019-01-31
Packaged: 2019-05-04 22:40:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 2,258
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14603256
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ourbooksuniverse/pseuds/Ourbooksuniverse
Summary: A collection of short stories that start smutty but end with a twist. It's never what you think.





	1. Almost there - Cassian

“That’s it sweetheart, just like that, you are doing so good” Cassian wispert softly, as his hands softy stroked over her, incouriging her to completion.

“Come on almost there,” he moaned “just a little more.”

“SHIT!” Cassian yeld out in frustration.

“ I was so close, why did you do that?” His voice full of disappointment and betrayal.

The only response he got from her was “ink running low, printing file cancelt.”

Printer: 1

Cassian: 0


	2. It’s so big! - Elain, Lucien & Azriel

*rhythmic sound of a couch banging agains a wall*

Lucien looked up at Elain, her face all flushed and cute, but the words that came out of her mouth were anything but cute. It seemed that the middle Archeron had a mouth like a sailor on her, and it was turning him on.

“Fuck Lucien, just a little bit more” she moaned. 

“I can’t” Lucien huffed “we have been at it for hours now, it’s just to big to fit”

“Don’t you dear stop foxboy,” She whined, wiggling around a bit more so he had more space to move. 

“My legs are cramping up love, I can’t keep this up much longer.” He breathed.

Elain pouted her mouth in a way that usually got her everything she wanted of him and spoke “Azriel had no problem yesterday getting it in.”  

“Well I have more to work with than Azriel” Lucien snapped back. 

“Maybe I should just call Azriel to come finish this off?” Elain mused. 

Lucien hated to admit it, but Azriel did have a talent of getting big things into tiny openings, he had witnessed it first hand. “Fine” he said, annoyed but also kind of relieved that it was now up to Azriel.

Elain picked up her phone and called Azriel. “Hey Az, can you come over again to help me get my new couch through the door of my apartment?”


	3. Good Girls Swallow -Rowan, Aelin & Fenrys

“That’s it my previous little bird. Just open up that mouth of yours” Rowan said, Stroking his hand softly over her head “it’s almost to big to fit in there isn’t it.”

*choking sounds*

“I’m sorry did i put it in to deep? Did i make your throat close up? I don’t want you to hurt your throat i need you to sing for me later.” He whispered to her.

Rowan’s hands ran over her head again guiding her “like that, you are doing so good” he moaned.

*choking sound*

“I know it’s hard to swallow.”

“You almost made me spill it all over your body and thats not what i want. We want it all in your mouth don’t we.”

*Fenrys walks into the room*

“You asked for me?” Fenrys asked.

“Aaah Fenrys your here, good, you can show her how to do it the right way”

“You want me to show her what?” He asked giving Rowan a confused look.

“I want you to show her how to properly swallow.” Rowan said mater of factly. “Now get on your knees so you’re on her level and open up.”

*Fenrys sits on his knees in front of Rowan"

“You see how he does it my little bird? You just have to do it like Fen.”

Turning his attention back to her “now open up the cute little mouth of yours again and i’ll do most of the work”

*Rowan puts it back in her mouth, Fenrys watching nodding his approval *

“That’s it, perfect performances my bird”

*Aelin storms into the room*

“What are you two doing in our bedroom?” She asked.

A flush bloomed on Rowan’s high cheekbones as he stammered “nothing”.

“Who are you hiding behind your back Rowan!?” Aelin asked.

*rowan taking a step to the left revealing her*

“And why is there a bird in our room?” Aelin asked.

“She fell out of her nest, her mother was nowhere to be found and she is so small and she needed to eat.” Rowan stammered.

“So you decided to play papa bird?” Aelin laughed.

“Yes” Rowan smiled.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m sitting in a museum surrounded by famous painting writing this. Somehow i think Picasso would approve.


	4. Never made me scream - Feylin

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I never thought I would write a Feylin fic, but I did and somehow it still ended up Feysand. As the other stories in my “I Need Some Holy Water For My Dirty Mind” series it’s never what it seems. 
> 
> This fic is inspired by the song Not Fair for Lily Allen a song where she complains about her bf not making her orgasm.

“Thank you Rhys, Tamlin would never make me scream when I asked him to.” Feyre said, still breathing hard. 

*Rhys cocks a brow in question* 

“He treated me with respect, kind of.” She wend on wrapping her arms around her mate. 

“He checked in with me fifteen times a day, he liked to make sure that I was fine. And double the guards”. She spoke as she snuggling closer to Rhys.

“Before him I never met a man who made me feel quite so secure. But then I only knew like 3 man and one of them was my dad.”

“There were things that just got in the way of our relationship. Like a   
particular red haired bitch and PTSD”

*Rhys coughed*

“And you” Feyre smiled “you got in the way too.”

“But the most annoying thing was that he would just never make me scream. Like ever.”

‘I would look into his eyes and then he would make this noice and was apparent that it’s all over.” 

“it wasn’t fair and really not okay, he was supposed to care, but he only took and took.”

“I would lie there in the middle of the bed, i would feel pretty damn hard done by i would spend hours trying to do it myself.

“I mean it’s just rude to not scare someone so there hiccups go away.” 

“Agreed” rhys smirked “ and i’ll make you scream when ever you ask”

“And i’ll do the same for you.”


	5. No Hair On Her Pussy - Vamren

Vamren couldn’t help but stare at Amren, more specifically he could stop staring at what was between her legs.

“What is that” He asked a bit of fear crept in his voice.

“Don’t act like you never seen one of these before” Amren said a wicked grin on her lips as she gesturing at it. 

“I have, but they usually don’t look like that.” Varian replied. “They usually have hair on them” 

“Haven’t you ever seen one without hair?” Her red lips tugging up in a smile. A smile Varian still didn’t know if he found hot or scary, maybe both. 

“no, and it looks weird.” He confessed “ the once in Summer all have hair.”  

“well that’s the way it was made, and it looks totally normal.” Amren growled, clearly annoyed by him. 

“no it’s not normal, it looks scary. Like it will try to bite me if i come to close” he said stepping a bit close to her “it looks inside out.”

“That’s it, no more pussy for you” Amren said picking up her new Sphynx cat and walking away with it.


	6. So Fucking Wet

“Please Cassian?” Nesta moaned, her hand running over his arms.

“No” he grunted.

“Come on, why not?” she complained, a adorable pout formed on her perfect full lips.

“I asked you if you wanted ‘it’ 5 minutes ago and you told me to shove it in my fat ass" Cassian replied rolling his eyes.

“I changed my mind, now give it to me Cassian!” Nesta yelled trowing her arms in the air in the most dramatic way.

“I’m so fucking wet, I need you to give it to me now!" 

Nesta can scream all she wants,…I’m not giving her my umbrella Cassian thought.


	7. Meave Is So Freaking Hot - The Cadre

*The Cadre standing around Maeve.”

“Danm that is so hot.” Vaugan said as he watched Maeve.

“I never thought I would say this but you are right Maeve is so fucking hot. She is even hotter than Aelin” Rowan said. 

“Well I for one never thought that that outfit would ever be considered hot, but she is making it work.” Gavriel said unable to tare his eyes away from the scene in front of him. 

“Maeve is smoking hot.” Lorcan said grimly. 

*Fenrys smiling at Lorcan like a little kid on his birthday*

“She’s hotter than hot. Hotter than hell.” Connall laughed.

“Does anybody got some ice? Cause i’m getting hot just watching this show.” Fenrys howled. 

*The Cadre bursts out laughing*

Looking at Gavriel, Fenrys asked “Are we evil for saying all these things?” 

Gavriel took a few moments to think about it before answering “No, not one bit.”

*More laughter from The Cadre*

“I don’t think I will ever get enough of this” Rowan spoke. 

“Me nether” Connall and Fenrys said in unisign. 

“Agreed” Gavriel and Vaugan said.  

*all of them look at Lorcan expectantly*

“same” Lorcan said dryly.

*Cadre turns back to the burning pyre Meaves body is on”

“Best day ever” Fenrys spoke happily 

*The rest humming in agreement”


	8. Picking her “flower”  - Elain & Cassian

*Cassian and Elain sitting on the patio*

“Oh I’m so dirty, I’m such a dirty girl,” Elain moaned.

Cassian not looking up from the book he’s reading, a book that may or may not be the same one he saw Nesta reading. “What did you say?”

“I said I’m very dirty girl” Elain moaned again.

“Then why don’t you go wash of?” Cassian asked still not looking up from his book.

“Because it’s not the kind of dirty that washes of, well it’s not the kind that i can wash of alone.” Elain said with a pout.

Finally putting his book down Cass asked “And how come you are such a dirty girl?”

“I was gardening in my secret garden?” Elain confessed.

“If you tell me you have a secret garden, it’s not a real secret is it?” Cassian smiled.

“I don’t just let anyone in my secret garden” Elain said batting her eyelashes at him.

Trying and failing to not think with his dirty mind - what wasn’t easy since somehow sweet innocent Elain made everything sound so ambiguous - Cassian asked, “Who is allowed to be in your secret garden Elain?”

“Nobody for now, I had a secret garden as a human too and I let Greyson in one time, but he was to rough with the flower I gave him so I made him stop.” She whispered.

“You let Greyson pick your flower?” Cass asked, all the while trying his best not to burst out laughing.

“No I didn’t, I wanted him to, but now I’m glade I didn’t” Elain said softly.

*A uncomfortable silence settled between them*

A few minutes later Elain spoke again, “perhaps Az would like come inside my secret garden. Maybe he could pick my flower?”

*Cass spitting up his drink* ‘S _hit why does she make everything sound so dirty? How did she make secret garden sound like a euphemism for vagina? And let not get started about the hole picking flowers thing.’_  the thought to him self. “I’m sure he would like that.” Cassian said.

“I’ll ask him to do it when his comes back” Elain said matter of factly.

Damming it all to hell he thought and said, “ you know Lucien is in the city, I’m sure he wouldn’t mind being in your secret garden to pick your flower.”

“No not Lucien” Elain said a blush creeping up her cheeks.

Cassian took pity on the poor fox, it was not easy not being allowed being anywhere near your mate’s “secret garden”  

“Although Lucien did live in the Spring Court for a very long time he might know a lot about picking flowers, he would know how to be gentle. But then again Az looks like he would be gentle too. I could ask them both.” Elain mussed.

Forcing down his laughter, Cassian could do nothing but node at Elain. “ _Did this girl know how she sounded?_ ” he thought.

“But they are not here and I really want someone in my secret garden. Do you want to pick my flowers?” she asked him a small blush on her cheeks.

“No! No! I’m not coming anywhere near your secret garden and i’m sure as hell not picking your flower! I don’t want Nesta to kill me.”

“I don’t understand” Elain said a puzzled look on her face.

*Cassian flies away as fast as he can, leaving a confused Elain behind.”


	9. Dick - Cassian & Amren

“DICK!” Cassian yelled.

“Stop it” Amren hist.

“DICK! OVER HERE! DICK!” he yelled again

*amren punches him in his side to make him shut up*

“DICK!” He screamed at the top of his lungs. 

“I will skin your dick if you don’t stop yelling dick in the middle of the street” Amren spoke, the silver in her eyes moving.

“DICK! OVER HERE!” Cassian yelled again. 

“You’re scaring the children” Amren said angrily pointing to a few nearby children who where either laughing or hiding. 

“DICK!” Cassian tried again, waving his arms in the air franticly. 

*But Richard never looked back to the crazy guy yelling his name*


	10. What’s your favorite position? -Nessian

“So my dear Nessie what is your favorite position?” Cassian asked wiggling his eyebrows suggestively.

Without bating an eye Nesta looked up from her book at Cassian and said “sitting on a sofa.”

“Don’t you find that you get back pain when you stay in that position to long?” he asked?

Taking a moment to think about it she had to admit that it did become taxing on her back. “Maybe.”

“Whats yours?”

Smirking like an idiot Cassian was quick to admit his favorite position to Nesta “I like laying on my back, so I can look up.”

“Of course you do. But that too get to be taxing if you go at it for a few hours”

“Hours?” Cassian asked surprised. “You can go for hours?”

“yes. Can’t you? How disappointing and unsurprisingly.” Nesta said with a bit of amusement in het voice. 

“I can go for hours, just not in one position” Cassian said. 

“mmmm. if you say so.” Nesta smirked. 

“Nobody can read for hours in the same position Nesta! Thats not how bodies work.” Cassian argued.


End file.
